We’re in the endgame now.
Or, rather, America is just a few short weeks away from the release of Avengers: Endgame, in which they will once again take on the Mad Titan Thanos. Last time we saw Thanos, he did to the universe what we do for Texans’ energy bills (i.e. cutting it down to size), drawing the ire of the Avengers (and the support of one subreddit) in the process.
In the last movie, Avengers: Infinity War, the Avengers were unable to stop Thanos. The one fatal flaw of their plan, though: they didn’t call us.
You heard it here first, folks, we weren’t invited to the last session of Avenger-ing. Neither were Hawkeye, Valykrie or Ant Man, so at least we weren’t the only ones. Still, had they called us, we’re sure Thanos wouldn’t be hanging out on his farm right now.
“But you’re just an energy company,” you may be saying, “how could you stand a chance against that giant purple guy?”
Here’s how: we’d actually reason with Thanos.
Anyone who follows us on social media knows that we’re lovers, not fighters. We’re not saying we’d beat Thanos into submission through sheer force (after all, dude went toe-to-toe with the Hulk and walked away unscathed) – but we could reason with him!
See, Thanos’ motivation (in the movie, not the comics) was that the galaxy’s resources were being depleted by a rising population, destroying planets and causing starvation. Hey, he’s not wrong! Climate change is a real thing, and we’re doing our best to fight it, too. We’re just going about our fight differently.
Thanos is clearly a glass half-empty guy – or more accurately, a universe-half-empty guy – so his solution was a bit, uh, out there. Of course destroying half the universe will lead to less energy consumption, pollution and waste. That’s common sense.
With respect to drastically cutting carbon emissions and pollution we’re on the same page as Thanos here. But there’s an easier way to do this that still allows Texans to enjoy Whataburger while also saving the galaxy.
The Infinity Stones have, well, infinite power (more on that later!), so that got us thinking of a few less murder-y solutions to Thanos’ problem. And each of them only really requires one of the stones!
- Power Stone: Hey, it’s a source of completely sustainable, renewable energy. Maybe try using it for that? Here on Earth, at least, we could use it to power our entire electrical grid, instead of burning coal!
- Space Stone: This seems really useful, too! Instead of dumping dirty energy waste into our rivers and streams or using landfills for other waste, we could teleport it to a planet that doesn’t support life, right? That’d free up a ton of space!
- Mind Stone: Maybe our personal favorite solution: use the mind stone on greedy energy executives who stand in the way of climate change solutions! The mind stone convinced Hawkeye to turn on the Avengers back in the first movie, so we could definitely use it to convince the people at the top to invest in renewable and sustainable energy!
- Reality Stone: The easiest solution actually involves the reality stone! It allows the wielder to manipulate matter, so… we could just turn any pollution into fertile farmland. Or to undo deforestation (so… reforestation?) or bring back extinct species (except the velociraptors… wait that’s a different movie)!
- Time Stone: Oh, yeah, the time stone exists! Could just use that to reverse the effects of all pollution and climate change. Seems like a no-brainer.
- Soul Stone: We’re not sure what the soul stone does in the movies. It looks cool, though! So maybe Thanos can just make it into a necklace or something.
That’s a plan that not even Star Lord could screw up. Instead of snapping his fingers to eliminate half of the life in the universe, Thanos could use it to address all the causes of climate change. Thanos instantly becomes a hero, and doesn’t have to worry about the Avengers, well, avenging themselves.
Speaking of things that are as easy as snapping your fingers… it’s time for some humble bragging. Switching to Pogo Energy is easy – it takes less than a minute! – and even if you can’t suit up next to Captain America, you can take solace in knowing that you’re saving the world by supporting 100% clean energy. That may not make you an Avenger, but it does make you a superhero.
And the best part? You don’t even have to get off your couch! While Captain America is out there doing bicep curls with Toyota Corollas, you can just hang out, track you energy usage every day and save money.
Using clean energy on its own probably makes you a more useful Avenger than Hawkeye. And War Machine’s environmental impact can’t be good (we should talk with him about that).
Groot, on the other hand, is perpetually cool with us.
We are Groot. We are Pogo Energy. Come save the world with us.